| ahhh |
[Aug. 27th, 2006|10:48 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  anxious | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Death Whispered a Lullaby - Opeth | ] |
i just started feeling really anxious and hopeless for no reason at all. this sucks, i hope it goes away soon. |
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| so i've been thinking... |
[Aug. 27th, 2006|09:46 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  curious | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Weakness - Opeth | ] |
lately i've been trying to figure out what my outlook on life is because then if i figure that out i can pursue it and (in theory) be happy with myself. i've come across a few philosophies such as nihilism. Nihilism is the belief that nothing in this world matters, at all. which for the past few years has been how i've been looking at life. it may seem a bit drastic but if u think about it, take your god out of the picture and what is there? an accident? if so then we are all a mistake and watever happens to us wont effect nething or ne1. we dont even effect ourselves to the extent we think. there has been countless billions of people who have lived before us but how many of them do we actually remember? the people of yesterday are forgotten and the people of tomorrow are oblivious.
Secondly, on a lighter note there is hedonism. This is the belief that human's are driven by physical and emotion pleasure and it is our goal to obtain as much pleasure as we can.
personally the thing that i feel makes the most sense is a combination of the two. nothing in this life matters but we seek physical and emotional pleasure to get through it.
oh well enough of that. last night i went to see little miss sunshine with rick and steve. it was a great movie that i highly recommend, so go see it. its a comedy mixed with wet and dry humor so it shud be enjoyable for every1.
i gotta get back to my precal hw, later |
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| Long over due |
[Aug. 6th, 2006|12:46 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | Lost | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Death Whispered a Lullaby - Opeth | ] |
richard left a few days ago and cross country started. my parents took my computer away after a "conversation" i had with my mum saying how ashamed she is of me and how i'm not like my brother and i'm a dissapointment. after all that she took my computer away, i just had a conversation with my dad about it and he decided to let me have it back under some rules. since richard left i've realized again how lonely i am, and being alone i've been thinking. This whole summer no1 has asked to hang out with me except max which i appreciate, but its not like he's the only person i talk to. i guess all these other people i talk to who i thought were my friend were just being nice. its not like i dont ask people if they want go somewhere or do something, they either dont answer or say sure and never get back to me or have an excuse. maybe i'm just that guy every1 doesnt like that doesnt know it. but why dont people want to hang out with me? am i not a fun guy to hang out with? do i not compensate nething? am i just annoying? iono
since my parents took my game away i realize i have nothing to do without it. its my "fix", my escape from reality. i dont know if reality scares me or what but i dont want to live in it. i dont know why anyone else would either, i've talked to my dad about reality and theres nothing i can see as being enjoyable. even during summer wen u dont have to deal with most of the shit u have to deal with during the school i still dont enjoy myself beacuse theres nothing i can do that i enjoy. i dont understand it but i dont enjoy my life. its not like i have a bad life even, i have a good family, my dad has a good job, for the most part i get what i want. yet, i'm still not happy. maybe theres nothing wrong with my life or surroundings but something wrong with me, maybe its just how i am. either way i dont want to go on like this.
i've changed so much...in middle school i was just the quiet innocent kid, now i'm the anti-social outcast. wat made me change so much? what is it thats rejecting people from me? i wish i knew, i wish i could change. |
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| cut it short |
[Jul. 4th, 2006|09:25 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  pissed off | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Rock Bottom - Eminem | ] |
if these are the best years of my life i should just kill myself now |
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| Back to reality |
[Jun. 14th, 2006|08:45 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crushed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | No surprises - Radiohead | ] |
Well summerschool was going alright, i even met a girl i liked. she seemed pretty cool so we hung out a few times and i thought things went well. today i asked her if she wanted to go get something to eat but something made her want to "clear things up" so she clearly stated she doesn't like me that way. which was a let down cuz i actually thought there was a chance she might like me back, but i guess its back to square one. this is the second time this has happened this year, out of 2 girls. world - 2 josh - 0. england plays trinidad tomorrow for the world cup, england better win so i have something to be happy about. i'm actually curious to see if ne1 actually reads these so if u do just leave a comment saying "i hear ya" or something like that. |
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| How many roads must a man walk down... |
[May. 31st, 2006|11:10 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | lonely | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Blowing in the wind - Bob Dylan | ] |
i'm in a mood to vent and complain about things but i dont really know what to complain about that i havent mentioned already in my last post. i don't really know whats wrong with me. sometimes people ask me to go places but usually i come up with some excuse to not go, but then get depressed about how i don't go out newhere or see anyone. i'm starting to feel how i was wen i was depressed about a year ago, i hope it doesnt get worse. i think what i really want is just one person to be with and spend my time with them because honestly i dont really feel like hanging out with ne1 i currently know, if ne1 of u are reading this its not because i dont like you or nething i just want to be alone. i do appreciate those who are trying to get me to go out and what not, but its not what i want. i dont know what i want. i'm just a mess and need some time by myself to figure it out i guess. maybe thats just another excuse to be alone, iono. i dont really know much at the moment but i'll just wait it out and hope it doesnt get ne worse. |
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| parallel universe? |
[May. 30th, 2006|12:52 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | annoyed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Heroin - Lou Reed | ] |
well summer has begun. is it just me or do the people who like you always end up being the people who annoy u and the people you like are never interested in you? well i suppose if it were otherwise there wud be a lot more relationships in the world so i guess i'm not alone. well maybe i'll wake up in a parallel universe where the people i like actually like me back, still early in summer so it cud happen. maybe it wud be good for me to spend the summer being single since i havent been single for summer since...6th grade. so the rest of the summer seems pretty dull. tomorrow i start track and next week i start summerschool for 2 months. maybe i'll just be a recluse, i seem to be good at that. |
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| nehoo |
[Dec. 22nd, 2005|10:36 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  hopeful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | superman - goldfinger | ] |
nothing really happened today so this will be a short entry. well today i finally fixed my car so i don't have to drive around my mum's nemore. huzzah! i think i might be going to rick's tomorrow with steve and gab so...that shud be fun. eh finished my christmas shopping today. nothing really happened today so this will be a short entry. |
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| just stopping by to say hello |
[Dec. 22nd, 2005|03:49 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | cheerful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | juicebox - the strokes | ] |
well a lot has happened since the last time i wrote, which was about a year ago i think. i'm a lot happier now than i've ever been and i'm starting to figure things out for myself. gillian is leaving town tomorrow until the 26th. hopefully rick, steve, nate, and gab will get together again b4 the winter is over...anyway about that game in my last entry taht i said i'd get bored of...well i havent gotten bored of it and have been slaving away ever since. i guess i shud be getting some sleep since its 4 am. oh well no1 reads this so i guess i'll start writing in it again.
Everybody sees me
But it's not that easy
Standing in the light field
Standing in the light field
Waiting for some action
Waiting for some action |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 7th, 2005|10:59 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | bored | ] |
| [ | music |
| | fear factory - edge crusher | ] |
i'm actually updating my live journal..that alone should tell you how bored i am. a holiday always ends up the same for me. i'm stuck at home while every1 else is out of town. slaving over a new computer game that i'll get bored of in a month or 2. mostly every night my parents have been out which means i'm stuck at home. i can't even sleep in because i have driving at 11 every morning until thursday. tomorrow i have my first plans since friday. i should be going to the gym with fadi after driving then going to see "be cool". i was supposed to hang out with jimmy tonight but he had to volunteer at the library or something. well i might update later this week but don't keep your hopes up. my dad bought me 2 tickets to the slipknot concert,march 26, so i have an extra ticket...i'm also planning on going to see dizzee rascal april 14
The purist, non-conformist, jaded subhuman terrorist
From flesh to steel and blood to blade I fight to exist
A rival of justice, extreme rush of hatred
Survival in a twisted world where nothing is sacred |
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fallenphoenix65's journal